Light Shine Forth

Christmas break boredom

2012-01-03T17:59:00.005-05:00

I had two weeks off of work for Christmas and New Year's. I spent most of that time laying on my couch watching the Big Bang Theory. I work at a university where I get almost a month of vacation a year but I don't spend it because I'm too poor to travel. Apparently I also don't spend it because I don't have a life.

I was supposed to have my tonsils removed but I took aspirin the night before the surgery and it was canceled. But not before I woke up at 4:30AM in order to leave the house by 5:15 and get to the surgery center by 6. And also not before I took off all of my clothing, put on a gown and surgery-approved socks and a hair net. I seriously asked the nurse why I couldn't wear underwear. If I could remember her response I'd tell you.

I only briefly glanced at the list of unapproved medicines before the surgery, as you can imagine.

I was a little glad it was canceled because I hadn't bought my family Christmas presents. I spent a couple of days buying presents and baking an eggnog cheesecake to give to coworkers. (It smelled heavenly and tasted pretty good.) I would love to make gourmet food for a living. Or at least pick out recipes. I'm not so much a fan of mixing things and having dirty dishes.

I stayed with family 3 hours south for Christmas. It was lovely. I was in the home of my aunt and uncle with the rest of my mother's family. Due to a lack of beds I slept with my single aunt. She snored like a motor boat. I should have known when her own daughter refused to sleep in the bed with her. Being a loud snorer runs in my family. I can only hope that I can find a medical way around that one day. It is REALLY unattractive how loud we can get. (On night two I found a couch across the house to sleep on.)

I'd like to take the time to mention that I am very blessed to have a job, to have a family that cares about me, to have presents, to have coworkers, to have the health where I can function at almost a normal level, to have clothes and a roof over my head and such a good life.

Moving onward:

The rest of my vacation I could not leave the house for some reason. Maybe because it was gray outside, maybe because I have seasonal affective disorder, maybe because I didn't have actual plans and knew I didn't have money to spend at any stores. Being off of a schedule put me out of sorts.

Monday night I was the only girl at Family Home Evening and everyone else was watching football. I said the church should sponsor a game as a new marketing strategy. Two suggestions people threw out: "The Choose Ye This Day Whom Ye Will Serve Bowl" and "The Faith Without Works is Dead Bowl." I think they both sound hilarious.

I'm back at work and SO TIRED ALL THE TIME. SO TIRED I COULD DIE. SO TIRED I FEEL LIKE I COULD COLLAPSE AT WORK AND MY BODY WOULD SHATTER INTO TINY PIECES AND I WOULD LEAVE IT AND FINALLY BE AT PEACE. Did I mention that my soul is attached to a body that's in mild, dull pain quite a lot? I think the extreme fatigue is due to not being able to sleep 10 hours a night and going full-force into my hectic life again. I need to scale back and put myself first. In the meantime, I'm going to my friend Paul's to help him grade tests followed by "Halo Wednesday" with Andrew.

Tumors.

2011-10-07T11:54:00.004-04:00

After 7.5 years of MRIs, CT scans, X-rays, blood tests, ultrasounds, EMGs, EKGs, and more I finally found a doctor who found something significant. I had gone to a podiatrist previously and she agreed that my legs were tight. She did X-rays on my feet and told me the tightness in my legs was causing tendons to be pulled which moved bones in my feet. It was good to hear that there was proof that something was wrong, since most people don't believe me. If a doctor can't diagnose anything, especially for years, the person complaining of ailments seems like a liar. OBVIOUSLY if you went to a doctor they would find out what's wrong, right?

I went to an orthopaedic doctor weeks ago who did a lower back MRI to search for spinal stenosis. He thought the burning in my legs might be caused by a tightened area of my spine. As it turns out, there are fat tumors on or in my spine. Of course Dr. N refused to tell me where, how large, or how many there were. He said it wasn't his area and I needed to see a neurosurgeon.

I had a giant breakdown and went to McDonald's. Emotional eaters like me need things like cheeseburgers to combat tumors. I let friends and family know what was going on and they were extremely supportive and caring. A lot of people said they were praying for me, which made me feel better.

Instead of going to a neurosurgeon I went to a spine doctor. Dr. K asked me a lot of questions and did an X-ray. He told me I was fine and sent me away. I told him I had been having upper back problems and needed an MRI there too but he didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I couldn't believe it. I am sure doctor N would not tell me I needed to see a neurosurgeon if I was fine. I am going to get a second opinion whenever I feel more upbeat about it. If Dr. K is right and the tumors aren't causing problems, WHAT IS?!

Maine

2011-09-09T11:03:00.016-04:00

Hurricane Irene traveled up the East Coast last week. It hit my area around Saturday and Sunday August 27th and 28th. Thankfully we didn't have damages where we were. The worst parts of the hurricane seemed to skip over my town but areas like Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Vermont had bad flooding. We were very blessed to have been spared.

My grandmother and I waited a couple of days to see how the hurricane would affect our trip to Maine. We also didn't want to burden my cousin and her fiancé by overstaying our visit.

We left Thursday and the GPS had us going on and off of 95 several times. We got there in 10 hours. Mom Mom was upset about that so on the way back we took 95 straight down and it took us 13 grueling hours full of traffic jams and rain to get home. We arrived home late Tuesday night.

We ate at DiMillo's, a floating restaurant

*Update: Since so many people are finding this blog while searching for DiMillo's: It was a beautiful restaurant. Don't order the crab cakes! Too much breading. I've had better crab cakes at Ruby Tuesday's. The chowder however was wonderful.

The view from DiMillo's upper deck was stunning

The Portland Headlight. The last time I was here was probably 14 years ago.

Stacey was a great hostess. She took us to Cabella's where we looked at stuffed mountain goats and camping gear. They also had a fun arcade area. Her fiancé Adam's family was amazing. They took us out on their boat and we played dice together and had dinner at their home. They also gave us unrefined honey from their son's hive. We ate fresh lobster, went swimming, but most importantly we spent time with Stacey. I hadn't seen her much in the past 16 years. Maine is beautiful and I will try to go back much sooner.

Aches, Pains and Hope

2010-10-10T19:32:00.004-04:00

Last week I started having neck pains throughout the day. They mostly shot up the right side of my neck, but sometimes it felt like my spine was tightening. Now it has turned into a sharp pain in my right ear. I am hoping it's just an ear infection.

The pain really concerns me because I am convinced I have blood clots. I have had random aches and pains since 2004. (Wow. Just writing that makes me sad. That was so long ago.)

The problem with being undiagnosed is that I assume the doctors can't help me when problems arise. I mean, if I go to a doctor with my current list of health issues and they can't find a cure, how will they find a cure for any new ailments? I don't think they can.

Finally, FINALLY I am going to be a patient at Johns Hopkins. I have been waiting for this day for years. When my health problems first started, I went to the emergency room of a local hospital. They could only run emergency tests because I had an out of state HMO. They couldn't find anything wrong so I went to some doctors and had tests run. Nothing. I called Johns Hopkins and asked if they took my insurance and they said yes. I had to wait until the beginning of the next month to apply as a patient. When the time rolled around I was told they didn't take it. I cried before I could even hang up the phone.

I lost my insurance at the end of the year and was uninsured until I got my first "Full-Time" (with benefits) job. I had a lot of tests done locally until being fed-up and calling Hopkins to register as a patient. It took a couple of months for me to get records sent from all of my doctors and for them to review my chart etc. I have been booked for this appointment since August. I really hope the doctor is able to help me.

I am a Child of God

2010-09-10T01:08:00.001-04:00

In the past few months I have allowed myself to drift from a closer relationship with God. There is a void in my soul that no person can fill. During the day while surrounded by people that love me I can still feel loneliness. I have come to realize at the end of the day that we have an option of actually being alone or of allowing ourselves to have His constant companionship. His love can wrap around us and help us to feel warm. I know my Savior lives and I regret that I have missed out on so much time in my life to be near Him. I know He is standing there waiting to accept us back into his fold. I know I can have peace, comfort, warmth and love in my life even while physically alone, because He will always be there.

In The Book of Mormon, Third Nephi Chapter 9 it recounts the story of Jesus speaking to the people of the American continents:

"Therefore, whoso repenteth and cometh unto me as a little child, him will I receive, for of such is the kingdom of God. Behold, for such I have laid down my life, and have taken it up again; therefore repent, and come unto me ye ends of the earth, and be saved."

The Long Road

2010-09-10T00:42:00.001-04:00

I have not posted in over a year. I find it so hard to share this personal side of my life. In reality I am open about my life and don't like to keep secrets. I get a wonderful feeling from sharing myself with others, like I am giving a piece of myself to my friends as a gift that they will hopefully accept. I love being able to feel them accept what feels like a tangible piece of my soul. I dont get that feeling through the internet. I feel boring, that no one will care what I say or feel. The hardest part is feeling like there won't be anything left of me for myself when I'm done.

Why this?

2009-04-20T15:57:00.000-04:00

I have been struggling with my health for over five years. I know when it all started. ...Or do I? It's hard to know when you aren't exactly sure what's wrong. I can tell you the symptoms. I can tell you about the times I have gone to doctors and had tests done. The times they told me I had anxiety, or acted like I was just seeking attention. I was 21 when this all started. 21 year olds don't go to the doctor for fun, and they don't go to the doctor for attention. As time went by and I felt worse and worse, I told people how I felt. Family, friends, people at church, coworkers. I learned that when you don't have a diagnosis, people don't believe you. If a doctor can't figure out what is wrong with you, you must be making it up. Or exaggerating small symptoms or pains. I have since stopped talking to anyone but doctors about illness. People have come into my life in the meantime that have no idea I am ill, because I never mention it.

I am using this blog as an outlet. I won't be able to write everything that I go through, but I do want to share with someone what I feel. I feel for all of the people who struggle with a diagnosis and illness. I know many are labeled as people suffering from depression or anxiety by their doctors. These labels are often untrue. I hope doctors everywhere can be more sensitive to realizing that they don't have all the answers, and sometimes their patients need to be referred to someone with more experience.