So, I lost my job.

Things haven't been spectacular lately. I haven't been blogging because I DON'T - WANT - TO - SAY - IT. I am losing my job. I am also most likely moving in with my grandmother and father. I went through a depression after receiving the news. The depression just happened to fall during my vacation. Staycation really, I was hoping to not spend any money and just travel around the area and visit friends. I ended up staying home most days and feeling like crap. I'm doing better now, but telling coworkers I am leaving and have no plans is really hard. We will see what opens up for me.

Other events that have passed:

My great-aunt passed away about a month ago. We had a life celebration for her Saturday. It was a large family gathering and we were loud, funny and irreverent as usual. I looked around and realized if my friends met my extended family they would know where I got it from. Besides getting to spend time with family, my favorite part was when my cousin drove my grandmother's "new" sports car. He would drive slowly when other cars were around and then HIT THE GAS when they were gone. It's a super fast car and it has a really loud muffler. We laughed the entire time.

0-60 in... I don't know, but it was fast.

There was a tea party at Andrew's family's bed and breakfast. Everyone got their own pot of tea and Wayne performed magic tricks.  

Sister Pearson was Wayne's assistant for this flying table trick. She is so stylish.

There were so many kinds of tea. It was outrageous.

The missionaries drinking herbal tea.

Adorable.

A look at the conservatory

Andrew

Christine's sister Megan. Everyone wore beautiful dresses.

We all know I love food! Too bad I didn't get to eat most of it.

In Other News:

We can't bend over in our house without this happening.

Philadelphia

In March I had an appointment with a new doctor in Pennsylvania. My friend said she had success with doctors at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia, so I decided to give them a try. Philly isn't all that far away and finding out what's wrong with me is worth the drive. I looked a list of doctors on their website and chose one that was affiliated with them instead of one that works directly at the hospital. Maybe a bad choice? I felt pretty good about the decision and arrived to wait in the tiniest waiting room I had ever seen. There four of us sat across from one another with our knees practically touching. While walking back to the patient room I noticed everything looked antique. When the doctor (at this point I can't even recall his name - I wonder where I put that sticky note? Oh the joys of being extremely organized!) asked me why I was seeing him I spouted off a list of ailments from the swelling in my feet to the muscle pain in my legs. I even pulled down my sock to show him, and go figure they weren't that swollen at the time.

 Here they are on a bad day!  Maybe next time I should put a penny in the indent to indicate how deep it was.

Back to Dr. What's-His-Name. After telling him about some of my ailments, he said, "Oh, I know what's wrong with you!" in a voice that told me he was about to insult me. He then said he wanted me to receive psychological treatment before coming back to him, and to have the doctor send him a letter. I started bawling and said, "But I'm being treated for depression!" and he said, "It obviously isn't working!" I thought he was telling me I was faking all of the symptoms I described so I was devastated by his answer. He then had a nurse draw my blood with some old-fashioned method that didn't involve a syringe and I left the office. I later spoke with a friend who said a lot of health issues stem from depression, that it can cause actual physical manifestations of the illness and that he wasn't telling me I was faking anything. I feel a lot better about that now but I am not sure if I want to return to him, with him being unwilling to look for any other reasons first. I received a phone call about a week later and was told the blood work shows I am low on Vitamin D. I am now taking 4000IUs a day as per that doctor.

I bought a box of chocolate donuts on the way to my car and cried while eating two. Extra devastation requires extra comfort. After saying a prayer for comfort (I didn't want to feel like my world ended while visiting with a friend) I went to pick up my friend Aubrey who has been living in Hawaii. She was in town for a conference. She was one of the missionaries who taught me almost 10 years ago when I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Does she look extra excited? It's because she lives so far away and we never get to see each other. I asked her to bring me a lei. She is a very sweet girl. 

We went to Rita's water ice because EVERYONE falls in love with Rita's when they come to the East Coast. She has had to live without it for several years.

Yeah, I didn't look so cute in my photo so you won't see it on here :)

Next we went to Pat's and ordered Philly cheesesteaks. Besides one in a hotel restaurant it was my first ever and I thought it was okay. Is it sad that I prefer local sub shops?!

In the background you can see a vegetable garden Rachael Ray and Ty Pennington helped build for the community.

Then Aubrey ran up the "Rocky Stairs" at the Art Museum.

Just in case you've never seen the art museum

The view from on top

 In front of a nearby dam

Aubrey likes to see a temple each place she visits, so we went to see the parking lot where the Philadelphia temple will be built.

Looks like a pretty spot.

 Street art somewhere along our trip

We went to a Jamaican restaurant for dinner with her coworker Amanda. I met Amanda at a conference they went to in New Orleans last year. --- I told Aub I won't be following her to her conference in Dallas next year.

 The portions were HUGE. And they put the sauce from your meal on the rice. Mmmmmm!

Jamaican Ginger (Root) Beer

Two days later we met up again in Philadelphia, this time on a Saturday night. A lot of places were packed so we ate at the The Down Home Diner at the Reading Terminal. The food was edible...  It was the only restaurant in the terminal that was open. I can't wait to go back and try something else.

Gardening

One of my lifelong dreams is to have a large garden. I want flowers, vegetables, fruit and fruit trees. Unfortunately it will probably be a long time until I can afford a yard of my own. My mother lets me plant some things in her yard and I have tried container gardening. Unfortunately most of my plants aren't very productive. The only plants that have done well were zucchini and yellow squash. I came home so late at night that I wouldn't be able to check my plants until the weekend and my zucchini would be almost as long as my arm. A few weeks ago we bought seeds and a seed starter kit. I planted sunflowers, yellow squash, zucchini and morning glories.

I'm kind of hoping our morning glories will look like this.

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And I can't explain it, I just don't know what it is.

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There's just something about green grass and leaves

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That makes me feel like I'm alive.

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As the plants live, I live.

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Seeing them thrive makes me feel alive.

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If I lived in a large city I think my soul would die.

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Oh, The Places I'd Go

I can't afford to travel but I really want to. I'm thinking of telling the government I'm here illegally from Tahiti. Or Australia. Or Aruba, or Saint Thomas.

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It's been so dreary here, the grayest year I have ever seen.

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If the sun won't come to me I have to find a way to get to it...

Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

I have some poignant things to say and some funny/offensive things to say, but for now let's look at some pretty pictures.

Click on the source to find more on each project.

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Christmas break boredom

I had two weeks off of work for Christmas and New Year's. I spent most of that time laying on my couch watching the Big Bang Theory. I work at a university where I get almost a month of vacation a year but I don't spend it because I'm too poor to travel. Apparently I also don't spend it because I don't have a life.

I was supposed to have my tonsils removed but I took aspirin the night before the surgery and it was canceled. But not before I woke up at 4:30AM in order to leave the house by 5:15 and get to the surgery center by 6. And also not before I took off all of my clothing, put on a gown and surgery-approved socks and a hair net. I seriously asked the nurse why I couldn't wear underwear. If I could remember her response I'd tell you.

I only briefly glanced at the list of unapproved medicines before the surgery, as you can imagine.

I was a little glad it was canceled because I hadn't bought my family Christmas presents. I spent a couple of days buying presents and baking an eggnog cheesecake to give to coworkers. (It smelled heavenly and tasted pretty good.) I would love to make gourmet food for a living. Or at least pick out recipes. I'm not so much a fan of mixing things and having dirty dishes.

I stayed with family 3 hours south for Christmas. It was lovely. I was in the home of my aunt and uncle with the rest of my mother's family. Due to a lack of beds I slept with my single aunt. She snored like a motor boat. I should have known when her own daughter refused to sleep in the bed with her. Being a loud snorer runs in my family. I can only hope that I can find a medical way around that one day. It is REALLY unattractive how loud we can get. (On night two I found a couch across the house to sleep on.)

I'd like to take the time to mention that I am very blessed to have a job, to have a family that cares about me, to have presents, to have coworkers, to have the health where I can function at almost a normal level, to have clothes and a roof over my head and such a good life.

Moving onward:

The rest of my vacation I could not leave the house for some reason. Maybe because it was gray outside, maybe because I have seasonal affective disorder, maybe because I didn't have actual plans and knew I didn't have money to spend at any stores. Being off of a schedule put me out of sorts.

Monday night I was the only girl at Family Home Evening and everyone else was watching football. I said the church should sponsor a game as a new marketing strategy. Two suggestions people threw out: "The Choose Ye This Day Whom Ye Will Serve Bowl" and "The Faith Without Works is Dead Bowl." I think they both sound hilarious.

I'm back at work and SO TIRED ALL THE TIME. SO TIRED I COULD DIE. SO TIRED I FEEL LIKE I COULD COLLAPSE AT WORK AND MY BODY WOULD SHATTER INTO TINY PIECES AND I WOULD LEAVE IT AND FINALLY BE AT PEACE. Did I mention that my soul is attached to a body that's in mild, dull pain quite a lot? I think the extreme fatigue is due to not being able to sleep 10 hours a night and going full-force into my hectic life again. I need to scale back and put myself first. In the meantime, I'm going to my friend Paul's to help him grade tests followed by "Halo Wednesday" with Andrew.

Tumors.

After 7.5 years of MRIs, CT scans, X-rays, blood tests, ultrasounds, EMGs, EKGs, and more I finally found a doctor who found something significant. I had gone to a podiatrist previously and she agreed that my legs were tight. She did X-rays on my feet and told me the tightness in my legs was causing tendons to be pulled which moved bones in my feet. It was good to hear that there was proof that something was wrong, since most people don't believe me. If a doctor can't diagnose anything, especially for years, the person complaining of ailments seems like a liar. OBVIOUSLY if you went to a doctor they would find out what's wrong, right?

I went to an orthopaedic doctor weeks ago who did a lower back MRI to search for spinal stenosis. He thought the burning in my legs might be caused by a tightened area of my spine. As it turns out, there are fat tumors on or in my spine. Of course Dr. N refused to tell me where, how large, or how many there were. He said it wasn't his area and I needed to see a neurosurgeon.

I had a giant breakdown and went to McDonald's. Emotional eaters like me need things like cheeseburgers to combat tumors. I let friends and family know what was going on and they were extremely supportive and caring. A lot of people said they were praying for me, which made me feel better.

Instead of going to a neurosurgeon I went to a spine doctor. Dr. K asked me a lot of questions and did an X-ray. He told me I was fine and sent me away. I told him I had been having upper back problems and needed an MRI there too but he didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I couldn't believe it. I am sure doctor N would not tell me I needed to see a neurosurgeon if I was fine. I am going to get a second opinion whenever I feel more upbeat about it. If Dr. K is right and the tumors aren't causing problems, WHAT IS?!