Aches, Pains and Hope

Last week I started having neck pains throughout the day. They mostly shot up the right side of my neck, but sometimes it felt like my spine was tightening. Now it has turned into a sharp pain in my right ear. I am hoping it's just an ear infection.

The pain really concerns me because I am convinced I have blood clots. I have had random aches and pains since 2004. (Wow. Just writing that makes me sad. That was so long ago.)

The problem with being undiagnosed is that I assume the doctors can't help me when problems arise. I mean, if I go to a doctor with my current list of health issues and they can't find a cure, how will they find a cure for any new ailments? I don't think they can.

Finally, FINALLY I am going to be a patient at Johns Hopkins. I have been waiting for this day for years. When my health problems first started, I went to the emergency room of a local hospital. They could only run emergency tests because I had an out of state HMO. They couldn't find anything wrong so I went to some doctors and had tests run. Nothing. I called Johns Hopkins and asked if they took my insurance and they said yes. I had to wait until the beginning of the next month to apply as a patient. When the time rolled around I was told they didn't take it. I cried before I could even hang up the phone.

I lost my insurance at the end of the year and was uninsured until I got my first "Full-Time" (with benefits) job. I had a lot of tests done locally until being fed-up and calling Hopkins to register as a patient. It took a couple of months for me to get records sent from all of my doctors and for them to review my chart etc. I have been booked for this appointment since August. I really hope the doctor is able to help me.

I am a Child of God

In the past few months I have allowed myself to drift from a closer relationship with God. There is a void in my soul that no person can fill. During the day while surrounded by people that love me I can still feel loneliness. I have come to realize at the end of the day that we have an option of actually being alone or of allowing ourselves to have His constant companionship. His love can wrap around us and help us to feel warm. I know my Savior lives and I regret that I have missed out on so much time in my life to be near Him. I know He is standing there waiting to accept us back into his fold. I know I can have peace, comfort, warmth and love in my life even while physically alone, because He will always be there.

In The Book of Mormon, Third Nephi Chapter 9 it recounts the story of Jesus speaking to the people of the American continents:

"Therefore, whoso repenteth and cometh unto me as a little child, him will I receive, for of such is the kingdom of God. Behold, for such I have laid down my life, and have taken it up again; therefore repent, and come unto me ye ends of the earth, and be saved."

The Long Road

I have not posted in over a year. I find it so hard to share this personal side of my life. In reality I am open about my life and don't like to keep secrets. I get a wonderful feeling from sharing myself with others, like I am giving a piece of myself to my friends as a gift that they will hopefully accept. I love being able to feel them accept what feels like a tangible piece of my soul. I dont get that feeling through the internet. I feel boring, that no one will care what I say or feel. The hardest part is feeling like there won't be anything left of me for myself when I'm done.

Why this?

I have been struggling with my health for over five years. I know when it all started. ...Or do I? It's hard to know when you aren't exactly sure what's wrong. I can tell you the symptoms. I can tell you about the times I have gone to doctors and had tests done. The times they told me I had anxiety, or acted like I was just seeking attention. I was 21 when this all started. 21 year olds don't go to the doctor for fun, and they don't go to the doctor for attention. As time went by and I felt worse and worse, I told people how I felt. Family, friends, people at church, coworkers. I learned that when you don't have a diagnosis, people don't believe you. If a doctor can't figure out what is wrong with you, you must be making it up. Or exaggerating small symptoms or pains. I have since stopped talking to anyone but doctors about illness. People have come into my life in the meantime that have no idea I am ill, because I never mention it.

I am using this blog as an outlet. I won't be able to write everything that I go through, but I do want to share with someone what I feel. I feel for all of the people who struggle with a diagnosis and illness. I know many are labeled as people suffering from depression or anxiety by their doctors. These labels are often untrue. I hope doctors everywhere can be more sensitive to realizing that they don't have all the answers, and sometimes their patients need to be referred to someone with more experience.